Flicks

i was back home.
back in my stadium seated plush auditorium. sat down with only the
essentials. popcorn to maintain blood sugar levels. cola - my
essential bodily fluid. my tickets torn and my clothes well worn, i
sat down to watch my film in the comfort of a nearly empty cinema.
there's a lot to be said for the kind of person who goes to the
cinema alone. visions of bearded men in long grey coats with
suspicious smiles and the odd scary wink. but we're not all like
that. sometimes a film is better on your own.
as i take another handful of popped corn i see three girls enter the
cinema. before my brain even registers their presence, it sets off
warning alarms that they may be potential talkers. suspect
twitchers. they may even ruin this film for me. as they walk up the
isle i can sense what's to come. and sure as iceland is nippy, they
sit right in front of me. all three of these skantly-dressed
personality-void walking television commercials sit in the row in
front of me.
by the end of the trailers i had had enough. some people talk in the
adverts and then stop in the film, but not these. the studio opening
is over and the high pitched laughing begins. the rocking of the
seats. the playing with the phones. the constant waves of popcorn
and sweets and nachos and shit being thrown everywhere like the
blood from a lion attack on a zebra.
i was not best pleased.
this was, of course, anticipated. as the first one laughed in her
teenage shrill i pulled it out from my bag by my feet. the shadows
concealed my motions quite well and the odd scattered audience
member would be oblvious to my own existance.
as the second waste of human tissue snorted at some joke as poor as
the beggars outside, i slipped the long black tube onto the tip of
my toy. i twisted it tight and it covered the cylider perfectly, to
take the gas and disperce it with silent ease.
as the third canary sang a window-smashing song i put the silenced
gun to the back of her head and with three quick pops the three
stick-thin ex-organisms each decided that to be polite and sit
quietly through a film would be the best course of action.

i put my toy back into it's box and relaxed again to finish watching
the film. it was particularly good and i had been looking forward to
it. the credits rolled and i left the theatre just before the
lights came up. i had left as quickly and silently as the shadows
did from over the three witch's seats, and on my way out of the
building i alerted one of the brain-dead employees of a rather
disturbing smell in screen six.