Coffehouse

I can feel the hairs tickling the back of my neck.
It's a horrible feeling, like spiders are itching to get all over you and eat at your skin. I'm waiting for her to arrive. I feel like every movie cliché. All i need now is a little bead of sweat to drip down the side of my head.
Here she comes. There she goes. She has arrived and i have no idea what i'm going to do. Breathe. Be calm. I stand.
"Hi. Hi there."
"Hey - how are you?"
We sit. "I'm good, you know - still here! ha-ha!"
"Yeh, same." We share a moment of nervous, forced laughter. I hope she feels as awkward as i do. "So, i got your note"
Well she just gets right on in there, doesn't she? "Oh - yeh, i'm sorry about that. I was just being me."
"Look - i'm sorry. You're a great guy and everything, and i'd love to, but not now. I dunno, I'm sorry. I know this doesn't make any sense to you. I'm so rubbish at these things"
What was i going to expect? To be serious, i would suspect some kind of evil trick even if this turned out how i dreamt. She doesn't know that i have felt this way pretty much since we met, and i don't know that these feelings are probably just the foundations of a strong strong friendship, and i don't know this because i have never even been close to something like this.
I just don't do friends. I need friends, and i like conversation, and i'm shit at loneliness, but it just finds me. This is real - this friendship. And if it were to shatter, i would shatter. If it were to end, i would end. If it were to die - i would end.
If i were to lose this, i would never be able to lift myself out of nothingness.
I will be on drugs all my life, just like my friends are now, all anti-depressives fed to them by mothers who can't be bothered to try a bit of parenting. If i lose this - i will be lost.
We have been looking at each other in silence for a while now. Her waiting for the emotional waterfall she expects from such a soppy fool, Me emotionless, thinking what i have been thinking.
I lean over the table, i pick up her chin with my thumb and forefinger, i tilt slightly to the side and i kiss her.
I don't fall back to my seat, i start to get up. I leave the coffehouse with a smile on my face because i know what this really is. I know how i feel and i know that it is for me. It's what you love, not what loves you - that's what matters. I leave knowing it'll all be OK. I hope she knows too.
It's not the kind of thing you can explain to a person, but those people who talk everyday, no matter what happens, every single day, and make sure the other is OK - that's what i want.
Those people who have two different bodies, but really share the same mind - that's what i want.
Those people who put each other as Number One, no matter what - that's what i want.

Only love can break your heart.